Wednesday, April 19, 2017

1785 Gorsuch


Bobbs Merrill      Denver Post

The new supreme court justice already has drawn some tough assignments.

They haze new pledges at that fraternity.  Example: the newest member is forced to hold the door while the other justices parade solemnly in and out of the courtroom.  So, newbie as doorman and they don’t even give him a uniform other than a plain black robe.

Everyone knows “real” doormen wear costumes garish enough to put a banana republic tin pot dictator to shame.

And if you think working for the Supreme Court is just dressing up like an undergrad and pontificating from bench and back office, think again.

Gorsuch has been named to the court’s prestigious Cafeteria Committee.  And for a guy like Neil, this is going to mean a lot of research, leaving him barely enough time to help his fellow frat brothers and sorority sisters to freeze stranded truck drivers or ban aborting a fetus over 20 minutes old.

Why?  Because it is the job of the Cafeteria Committee to choose the menu.  Yes, a guy with no training is in charge of the workday nutrition.  Not to worry.  Gorsuch is a quick study. Plus there aren’t all that many work days in his trade.

Here’s the problem.  As a literalist, Gorsuch will feel compelled to make sure the menu items are made exactly as written in the cookbook.

He’ll carry “The Joy of Cooking,” the thousand page encyclopedic recipe collection with him wherever he goes, at least while he’s in the building.

Now these justices are scholarly people.  Many of them over time have toted tomes.  Scalia kept a copy of the constitution in his suit jacket.  But the Joy book weighs five pounds.  And being a snazzy dresser, the new Associate Justice does not have enough seniority to have a clerk do the heavy lifting.  So when he puts it in a pocket, his jacket will sag.

This is tough work.  You can hear him now telling the executive chef in the lunchroom that he cannot substitute whipped butter for regular in the interest of saving calories in some dish.

After all, if it’s in the cookbook, that’s what matters, not what some celebrity chef does in interpreting the recipes. The Joy of Cooking is not something for interpretation.  It’s not a “living document” like the constitution.  It is Black Letter Recipe.

Gorsuch is a Joy of Cooking Fundamentalist.  If it’s not in the book exactly as written, it doesn’t make it to the SCOTUS-teria.

Tip to Chief Justice Roberts:  Brown bag it from home, we don’t want you to faint from some mysterious dish on page 1,234, Ch. 24, Paragraph 2, Subparagraph H.


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