608 Trifocals

608 Trifocals

Yes, trifocals. It wasn't enough to have two lenses for each eye, now three. So if people who wear glasses are still called "four eyes," what do you call someone with trifocals? Hint, the answer isn't "eight eyes." The answer is "confused."

When the bifocals became necessary, eons ago, everyone said things like "watch out going up and down stairs" or "be careful stepping off the curb." But surprisingly none of that was necessary. Except for one circumstance, night driving. Oh, the driving vision itself was fine. But there was some difficulty looking down and seeing six speedometers.

Now, trifocals. The way they do that, those clever optical geniuses, is by making the reading part of the glass smaller (much smaller!) and

adding a teeny third lens to each glass, right above. This makes it impossible to read anything on paper without sticking one's chin in the air. Without that, you're looking through the "middle" lensette and can't see a thing, or through the top part of the lens which makes everything within three feet blurry.

The main reason for all of this is the computer. Apparently, it needs its own focal length. It'll take some getting used to. In the m eantime, Rube Goldberg to the rescue.

Step one: install a wireless signal device on the computer. Step two: acquire a remote wireless keyboard. Step three: acquire a small table, say something just big enough to hold a wireless keyboard. Step four: place the table six feet from the computer. Step five: put the wireless keyboard on the table six feet from the computer. Step six: operate the computer from across the room.

This allows distance typing and the use of the upper part of each lens, the one that's for, well, distance. It's a little awkward, but we humans are pretty adaptable. Of course, the room now is useless for any other function, but in time, steps four through six can be reversed.

In the meantime, anyone know a good proof reader?

Shrapnel:

--Nothing new under the sun, not even chat rooms and Internet message boards. If you don't believe it, check out the Talmud. One scrap of Biblical text and then two dozen guys pile on with commentary and commentary on the commentary and commentary on the commentary on the commentary and by the time you finish reading it you realize the thread was hijacked a thousand years ago.

--The local DA ambushes the talk show with a surprise phone call on the air (see Wessay 549 5/22/09) and tries to defend some of his indefensibles. He calls at 4:45 PM and says he's not in his office. To which a less polite talk show host would say "leaving early?"

--The ambush didn't work. The guy made no points. But fair is fair and the guy's been bashed so regularly and so frequently on the program that the only fair thing was to let him on and hope that he self-bashes, which he did.

Correction: A Shrapnel item posted 10/5/09 originally identified a hotel peeping tom as an FBI agent. He is not.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009